As a result of his revolting work ethic, Phillip had weeks and weeks of vacation time he had to use or lose by the end of the year. It was no problem taking time off for Vegas and Disneyland, and now we're in the middle of a week off at Thanksgiving and looking forward to another week around Christmas. And he still has a few days left over. I KNOW. There is no way I would EVER find myself in such a situation.
It's been nice reconnecting with him (if I may use such a gross shmoopy word) after this first graduate school sprint. Of course, "reconnecting" isn't all hand holding in movie theaters. Our worlds are stretched even farther apart now, and we spend a lot of time trying to extract some understanding, maybe even a little empathy, from the other person. It doesn't always work.
I'm not surprised that the things I was most worried about are the things that haven't seemed to matter. Like how much time Phillip is away from us. I suppose it's not very nice to say it's not that big a deal, but all quarter I managed to find easy ways to fill our time on Friday nights, and we spent every Saturday with family. Phillip stays up late doing schoolwork, but I'm used to him staying up late to do work work, and coming up with my own project really helped in that regard. So time hasn't been a big deal.
I spent a few moments panicking about Phillip getting to do all this neat school stuff and learn to Make A Difference while I rolled up my sleeves to start the Great Potty War, but then I'd go right back to scheduling our date nights and days with family. Of course this has been the roughest part for me. I sometimes think I would really enjoy Phillip's program, and the fact that he is constantly talking about what he wants to do and be when he grows up is harder than I imagined. Sometimes it's super fun, because hey, we're talking about my life too, and I understand at least half of this technical lingo and corporatespeak. Sometimes all it does is cement the fact that I am simply Support Staff around here, at least for another year and a half. My job is to say yes, even when I don't want to, and make it work.
We had an argument about food the other day. It was really very stupid. I mean, it sounded stupid, I'm sure, to anyone who might have been listening in, but it was a big deal to me. Well, it was a big deal once I realized I was really upset about this Big Overarching Thing instead of the Dumb Little Thing. Feeding my family is a huge struggle for me. Even besides all the silly stuff I whine about here, the picky eating and the inability to cook and getting dinner on the table every tnight, just THINKING about it, the PLANNING of what and when and where to feeld two small people can be exhausting. Our argument, which started out (as they do) about one single stupid thing, became a reflection of my (our?) biggest Stay At Home Mom conundrum, which is: I Don't Ever Get To Put Myself First, So How Dare You Use The Bathroom By Yourself When I Need You To Hold The Baby?
Or, ah, some variation thereof.
I guess I thought I was over it, or mostly over it, or had found a plethora of ways to deal with it, or (when I'm thinking rather highly of myself) secure enough in myself not to freak out about it. But then grad school started and my husband ramped up the Career Ambition and the Conversation About Things Other Than Children and needing time (and the car) to do Important Things. And apparently I am not over it. It's hard. It's hard reconciling the fact that what I want to do - what I LOVE doing and am incredibly grateful I GET to do - makes my daily life so separate from my husband's. That it feels like less than his.
Tomorrow his mom and dad are driving up to spend the day with the kids while we go Christmas shopping downtown. I expect there will also be some sushi eating and cappuccino drinking (not at the same time, ugh) and perhaps some movie watching. I'm looking forward to it, and have already had a good talk with myself about keeping the Petty Self-Centered Issues in check.
When we aren't "reconnecting" we're talking about HOUSES. But that's another (soon-to-be-posted) post.
